The Sisters' Motives

The sisters we are
Pain, love and war,
Are eternal masters
Of this infinite universe.
We have always been ruling,
Cruel games we are always playing,
Will finish off this creation.
We have finalized this decision.
We will rejoice at our victory,
People will suffer from our treachery.
This wonderful sisterhood,
And our destructive attitude,
Shall immortalize our winning.
Our mission we will soon be beginning!
You can run from us but never hide,
To your doom we will make you stride.
The end is here now,
The light of hope will never make itself show!
You should say your last prayers,
Then burn out with your own tears.

My First Poem And First Crush

I see him everyday in my class....so busy with that huge notebook of his! It's even bigger than the exact size of his face. But all day, he would keep his nose buried inside that book, scribbling out god knows what. He did have an intellectual aura surrounding him, that kept me guessing...


"What does he write about? Why is he so studious and inert?"


This curiosity made me a regular stalker of his antics. I found him fascinating, deep, composed and extremely cryptic natured - an introvert who preferred mingling with the elitists and keep distance from the species who call themselves "the social butterflies". The worst thing was when I discovered that I was falling for that guy. It was evident though that a boy of his likes would never cast his attention towards any being who was not the bit attentive in class, let alone studied hard. I was plain, simple, a bit hesitant in voicing out my inner-self...being almost invisible in the classroom. But I had expressed a small percentage of my thoughts about him in a poem. It was a very juvenile one, my very first attempt to write something about a special someone, but it had meant a lot to me then.


You are a writer and I am a poet.
You write stories, I rhyme it.
You set your words fury in a rhythmical rhyme.
I sit beside you to tame them in my rhythmical poem.


Well that was all that I had written. This was one of the first poems of my life...


We are now promoted to the next higher class, but things have not changed a wee bit. He continues to be inert, suave and my feelings for him continues to grow. It's this behavior of his that has planted the seed of love in my mind...and it's his vanity that waters and nurtures the seed of liking in my heart. But the boy has no idea that I even exist...which made me write the next few lines.


It has been 2 years already,
But you are still ignorant of my true feelings.
We have never talked with each other,
Even though it's the same class we have been studying in.


My secret is unknown even to my best friends.
I am always silently watching over your antics.
You are the most fantastic person who has caught my eye,
I have very carefully preserved all our group pics.


This teenage love is a very strange thing,
It is sweet and yet we are afraid of taking risks.
Being in love for the first time is very much a heart-breaker,
Yet it's eternal as the very first lovers' kiss.


I am afraid of expressing myself,
Cause the fear of rejection scares the heart.
But the sickeningly sweet emotions that I can no longer hold back,
Makes me wonder, should we come close or should we part?


Not bad for a newbie in love right?

The Madness That's Mountaining Up

I can never deny this uncanny love I have for mountains - The Himalayas. Their vastness, the omnipresent silence, the wild green nature...all of these are so intriguing. And I am equally fond of the northeast culture that the Himalayas had been cradling fondly within itself. The mountain is their eternal mother, she had nurtured them, maintained the flow of their civilization and provided means of livelihood. Their is this mystery that remains attached to the way the Himalayas seem to be in deep meditation all the time. I had always presumed that it's keeping a secret from us, as if there is the presence of another world within it, that we don't get to notice that with bare eyes and logical conscience. I am myself a person of logic, who doesn't simply take into Easter bunny tales and folklore of that likes. Yet I have this believe that there may be a possible chance regarding the existence of a parallel universe, the gate to which is being protected by these lofty mountains. I do believe that it really is a childhood whim of mine, but I can never bring myself to dismiss it that way. I know it's foolish, but I find this foolishness very much attached to my sentiments. The gurgle of the silver streams and the waterfalls appear to laugh at this madness of mine. They seem to be knowing as much as these lofty wise ancient silent wizards. But they simply love amusing their own-selves, picking on my endless tries. In my lifetime I have stood before the mountains and looked up at it with a quizzical expression.

 "What is that you are hiding from us? Why are you so silent? Why this deep meditation?"

It would remain silent still. The only sound I could hear was the fluttering of some winged creature, that is starting off its journey towards its nest. I have been to the mountains a number of times and every visit that I had made, had me wanting to visit more. Many a times I wish to visit the hill station of Darjeeling. 

That place is awesome, but anyway I can't be partial to a particular place. I have found all the habitable and inhabitable places that are there in The Himalayas mindblowing. On March, 2009 we were heading towards Gangtok and that was the first time I had experienced a storm in the mountains. It was already past twilight hour and the sky was getting grayish blue. Within a minute or two, the gust of wind hit us! The trees were swinging the way the flags hoisted high up the High-Rise condos flutter when there is wind blowing. These trees are the mountains flag of nature. Their movements had threatened us with their plan of getting uprooted and tumbling over. But the driver of our Qualis was careful and well equipped with the tactics of a professional. The fallen twigs and branches that were tumbling down the slope, landed exactly over the vehicle hood, but that didn't bother the one with the steering wheel. We somehow managed to cross by the major hurdles that consisted of torn electric wire lines, uprooted trees etc. When I looked out of the window, I could see the finger of God, bright and stern in appearance as it flashes through the sky, as if reminding the mountains that they must not break the silence. Then came the rain and blurred out everything that could have been visualized through the glass of the vehicle window. The downpour continued for almost 1 hour waking up the dormant frangnance of wilderness that one gets only when it is raining in the mountains. The whole winding route looked rain-kissed. When the rain had subsided, the car came to a halt beside a small parlor, where we treated ourselves to momos. And the silence prevailed...

"Was that all? What did He tell you? Did he rebuke you for showing tiredness because of all these secret keeping?" 

I should get used to not getting any response to my whimsical antics. But you tell me, can this be enough? When the urge to learn the reason behind This silence is so great, can I truly let my curiosity pass on to any other subject? I can't. I will continue visiting The Himalayas and pester it with my questions till I get the notion that there is a possible answer. I have even made up my mind to spend the last strand of my life here in this wild cradle. I shall never give up this quest to commune with the Wise and know it's secrets.

The Phone That Was My Life

I couldn't bring myself to write a review or short account regarding the topic and as usual I will tell this as a story :-P

My 2Nd phone was a Nokia 5233 which my dad gifted me on the account that I had succeeded in gaining admission to one of the most prestigious Architecture colleges of India. I had been using a Samsung feather touch model for almost 2 years before the Nokia one. I am seriously not a good handler of phones! I had to give my Samsung phone for servicing for almost like 3 or 4 times.  The color on its body was wearing off and it did appear ugly with the print on its navigator buttons becoming almost invisible. Moreover the number pad buttons had stopped functioning properly. Let's say, I very much needed a new phone to live with and use. Yes, I live with my cell phone. I get up everyday with my hands and eyes searching for my cell phone beside my pillow, I hold the cell phone in my hand when it's not in my pocket, I would hardly leave it anywhere and go excepting for bath-time. I would spend the entire afternoon and evening searching on the internet for suitable wallpapers and ringtones to suit my taste and make my phone appear handsome. At night, I used o kiss my phone to sleep. I had done the same with my Nokia phone too. Now Nokia 5233 had additional features and was far better than my previous cell phone. It was my first full touch, multitasking phone and it supported themes too! I would use the 2 megapixel camera to click pics of sights and things that interested me. The gallery contained everything that drove my emotions, themes, wallpapers, e-books, music, ringtones...you name it! I had downloaded apps to support additional features, I had done what not!!! Drawing and playing guitar are some of my favorite hobbies, I had installed apps of the same likes too. Though these virtual goodies were extremely primitive yet it just served it's purpose of meeting my taste and usage! I can be technical at times, but to tell the truth, I am not a techno freak. And still I had tried to keep my phone upbeat with the latest technology it could support! I hated flashy kiddish decorations, so I had opted not to have any tattoo or those 3d heart stickers on its metallic body. But my interest in vintage, retro, Paris cafes, French drapes were displayed in the various wallpapers and themes I had downloaded or have customized online, for my phone! My memory card would be overflowing with all these. The ringtone should be an mp3 one and would best reflect my mood, taste and sensibilities. I used to change my phone settings the very way a girl changes clothes! I was actually very obsessed with that piece of metal and had personalized it to become a digital version of me. 

And then the worst incident of my life took place! I lost my phone in a way someone who loses their phone in the auto or bus would have never lost! I had lost it because it was in my pocket and not that I had misplaced it. I was in my hostel that time and that very night, I was so tired that I had actually forgotten to keep the phone out of the pocket of my pajama. This was not new i.e me sleeping with the phone in the pocket. As long as the phone is with me, I can have my peace of mind. In the middle of the night I had to get up to go to the loo, without realizing that the phone was still in the pajama pocket. I was extremely groggy eyed and was feeling numb still. But I regained my consciousness the moment I saw the phone making it's way out of the pocket and down the toilet hole. Damn these eastern toilets! My shriek woke up the entire flat! One of them had been trying to console the shocked me, the others tried various ways to retrieve the phone but all of it was futile. I wouldn't stop howling and screaming and my phone was no where to be seen. They told me that it was just a phone, but I knew what it was to me. It felt as if I had just lost a part of me or my child or whatever it is, something that actually was ME! I had been crying nonstop for the next 24 hours. A search party was made the next morning to open the pipe line that linked the toilet hole to the septic tank, but my phone wasn't there. It had made its way to the septic tank already. My friend's had been describing my madness as presumptuous cause even if my phone would have been recovered, it would be in no condition for me to use. I must shamelessly admit that I hadn't cried so much on hearing the demise of my grandfather than when I had lost my phone. 

I had started using the same old Samsung phone after having it repaired and vowed to myself never to take up any new phone, much to the disapproval of my parents. I was so unsure about myself and my stupid fate. I had spent the remaining period of my first year in college with my old phone. And my heart would still lament and make me upset every time I am reminded of that incident. People laugh on getting to hear this, thinking that it was very funny. But only I knew how it had felt on losing my dearest possession, the thing that was closest to me.

Colors of our Festival

"Oh my gosh! I am in Bengal already!! This has to be Kharagpur!" 
And it was. The train came to a jerky halt at the Kharagpur station. The buzz amongst the various chat and churmur vendors was unmistakable. 
"Ah Bengali language, at last!"
 I was returning for the Puja holidays to my homeland, after about 3 months. I am a B.Arch student doing my course at The School of Planning and Architecture, Vijayawada, Andhra Pradesh and that time I was in my first year. My 3 months stay in Andhra to be honest had not been an easy one, given the fact that Vijayawada was such a place where Telugu speaking people were mostly dominant. I had to manage my brief stay in the city and also in the college campus speaking mostly English and at times tutafuta (broken) Hindi. My batch-mates and I had to face whatever the students of first year were supposed to, in the hands of seniors. I won't go much into that, let's just say I had found tad bit difficult at the time of settlement. But now I am going back to my city, Kolkata!!! 

This was That Month when the entire city is made to look like a bride, this was the time of Durga Puja, the biggest festival among us Bengalis! Even getting to hear the local dialect used by the station-hawkers in Bengal made my heart dance with joy. Ah! Bengal at last and Bengalis! I loved my Bengal during this season of autumn. The golden sunlight makes the murkiest of streets glitter, makes the fields fill themselves up with golden grains! The clouds looked like cashmere cushions with the hint of pink and the Ganga looked as if someone has poured gold dust in it! The sky is amazing, azure, blue and one can hear the distant sound of the dholak floating in the air. The smell of the white Kashful added to the glamour!

 This beauty of Bengal is natural at the time of our Festival. One should see her daughter, my Kolkata as she is decorated with the jewelry of the bride-queen! When there's dusk, the light shows begin all over the City of Joy. The streets, street corners, even the houses, gardens and everything are decorated with lights of different colors and in different, awesome patterns. Small bulbs of red, blue, yellow, green, orange and many other colors would flicker in intervals giving the impression that the patterns are in motion. The Puja pandals are the artist's canvas that time. With the myriad themes that the different Puja management clubs follow, Durga Puja celebration in Kolkata becomes artistic. The pandals and the idol of the Durga Ma become lively with all the splash of color and the outstanding decorations with light bulbs. It's just not the pandals, even in the houses of people there's this festive touch! The beautiful Bengali brides of the traditional families appear to be even more stunning as they make preparations for this festival, swinging their long black wet hair in the air and flaunting ivory white Tant saris with crimson red border and golden colored thread detailing.

 The red kumkum on their forehead, the gold jewelry and the red alta on their feet adds sweetness to their already sweet smiling faces. The children of the houses play around wearing the most colorful and bright dresses and for men it's either embroidered dhotis or well cut and designed shirts and trousers, that had been newly purchased for this occasion. When it's evening, people from all over the city would flood the streets with their Pandal hopping. And this would go on till the early hours of the next day. Kolkata gets visitors from the other cities and villages of Bengal. At day time, it's the beauty of the white Kashful and the sound of dholak that floats in the wind and enters the ears and night is when the city would light up in the most colorful and royal splendor! My own family members would be so pleased to see me after so many days. My mom and dad are awaiting my arrival in the station with eager anticipation! My mom had promised that she will wear her favorite maroon and gold chiffon sari which I had gifted her on her birthday. 


My excitement increased exponentially as I was reminding myself of all these visual treats that I am going to savor! My mind drifted back to the present situation where I was in, that was the lower side seat in the second class AC compartment of Coromondal Express, with the second jerk with which the train started to leave Kharagpur Junction. I couldn't help giving out a little smile, out of sheer happiness and that I was about to step on the streets of Kolkata, in about 3 hours from now. I leaned back my head against the vineyard coated partition wall and turned my face towards the wide window. The light of the midday autumn sun that had brightened up the train corridor, revealed the blue sky and the pink silk clouds. My lips parted again to give a smile as the train made its way through the golden fields. I am going home and back to my mother who colors up my life.  

Being Invisible

Hello good sir, can you hear my voice?
I am sitting on the sidewalk where you stroll about, choosing to ignore me.
I won't take much of your time, instead I would ask for some kindness,
But it seems you have already decided to ignore us, who live on the streets.


I need very little from what you have in plenty.
A bit of warmth in your eyes and a penny or two is enough for me to get by.
But it seems you are more ashamed of my appearance than I am,
You would continue walking but for the sake of humanity you would never try.


I can't rise up from the place where I am seated,
Cause my feet are numb from frostbite,
I have no cover to muffle my face with, in this cold weather,
My hair is all dirty and unkempt, creating not much of a pleasant sight.


Everyone considers me as filth who should be ratted out of this place.
But is it really my mistake that I have been rendered penny-less and without a home?
A little help from those who have a lot can change my life and make me rise up.
I can then stand on my feet and to gather for my living, I can roam!


But I am ill-fated to be helpless and be in this condition,
With not a bit of strength to move up from this street corner,
You should realize that I am in dire need of your mercy and kindness
And a little help to make my life and this sidewalk look a bit better.

Goodbye World

I have dreams to fulfil and there's almost no time
This body doesn't wish to be idle,
But this suffering has taken a toll on my life.
Withered I am, but young at heart,
I desperately want to go out in the sun
And make my way towards a fresh start.
I dream of vast oceans and lone islands.
I wish to travel for parts unknown.
But my mortality is diminished now to lesser days.
I wish to live my life like those around me,
Strong, steady and full of youth.
But God certainly didn't want that to be.
I still can't accept that I am running towards my death.
I am yet to pay back my parents for their care.
I believe I am too young to have my last breathe.
My life is like the young sun now,

That has millions of light-years to travel.

But before it has risen, it's going down.

All I want now is to be free like a bird,

Do all the things that I had big hopes of
Before I say goodbye forever to this world.

With Love

23rd July 1994, Saturday

                                  The photo fell on the ground while I was shuffling through the pages of my age old, somewhat soiled diary. I wasn't expecting to come across any such thing that was linked with her and yet her photograph had emerged from the most unlikely place, that is the petite library of the apartment, I was residing in almost 25-26 years back and inside my personal diary which I had maintained when I was working in the army that time. It was her, my wife and the most unscrupulous lady that I had ever encountered in my entire life. Femme fatale that she was, she took away my day's sensibility and my night's slumber. It was same reason that had got me attracted to her and made her my wife as the one for which I had to finish off her and her antics. I knew that it was hard for a young and beautiful belle to accept someone who was 15 years older than her, as a husband. But I had loved her with the consistency of the sun showing up in the sky every morning. She had only said yes for the money I inherited and was paid,  and for the status of being an army General's wife. Not that her craving for my money bothered my feelings for her, cause I had tried to keep her happy in anyway she had wanted. But the news that she had another man in her life broke my heart. I refused to believe any of it, but my sources were reliable. They had proofs, photographs of her infidelity. Not only that, she had faked the news of miscarriage to me. I had got it confirmed from the physician who had diagnosed her. She didn't want the child at all, young and selfish she was, she didn't want a child to get her out of shape and her youth! She had been planning secretly to run away from the house and my life. That was too much for me to bear, she had already caused me enough grievances. I thwarted her plan in the most prudent way I could. I had hugged her affectionately, close to my heart that night and then had handed over the glass of poisoned fluid to her. She drank it of course, without any knowledge of what was going to come upon her in a few minutes. Within 20 minutes of pain and writhing, she was gone. I was seated on the bed as I saw the entire incident till she had started foaming, with horror mixed with guilty pleasure. My heart would stop aching now cause she was gone forever and would give me no more sorrow. But the fact that she was no more and that it was the last time I was seeing her made me weak. Committing murder was not a problem, having been used to seeing enough bloodshed at duty. The aftermath was as planned and devised, the entire blame had fallen on her lover. I had driven off with her body to her lover's house, broke in (thank god he was not there that time) and left the corpse with the glass of poison as evidence in his room. The operation took exactly 30mins and I was out of that area as fast as I could. I had myself called up the Police Station and filed a missing report in the name of my wife, they did the rest. That man was arrested with the murder of my wife, end of story. After that I had shifted my apartment, where we used to live and had also burned down every the document that had Her in it, including all the photographs. Her jewelry and clothes, I had given it all to charity. She was no more in my life now, not even her shadow or any possession. But how this photo had managed to get by and had made its appearance after 26 years of the incident, I simply can't fathom. There's this cliche that your past always follows you no matter how much u try to run away from it. It didn't seem so cliched to me at all at that time. It had made me break into cold sweat and had invited along with it the sensation of burning pain in my heart which I had extinguished long back. The photo had those expressions on her face which were as same as her traits, beautiful, young, lusty, greedy, fatal, dangerous, foolish....Now it would take another 1 or 2 years for me to completely dismiss the glint in her eyes, that had been immaculately captured in the photo.

Poison for a Young Mind: Please stop domestic violence

"Oh...they are fighting again!!" 

Steven sits up on his bed, all groggy eyed and a with confused but innocent expression on his face. He squints at the thin outline of light below the door and can see shadows moving here and there in a frantic, haphazard manner. This is the 3rd time he was disturbed from his slumber that night. He had pleaded to his parents not to send him off to sleep so early, but it was no use going against their wishes. His dad had given him the most scary look before bedtime when he had asked him to stay back and read him a book. He even forgot to keep the door ajar.Steven was starting to break into cold sweat out of all the confusion and fear that was getting into him. He can hear the sounds of things in their living room breaking, glasses crashing and his parents fighting with each other.. It seemed as if his father used to beat up his mummy, for every morning he had seen his mother all red eyed and with scars and bruises on her cheeks and hand. This has been going on for over two weeks. And he was scared, extremely scared. He cries himself to sleep every night... Earlier either of his mom or dad used to be with him by his bed till he fell asleep. Now they send him to bed even when its just past 7pm. And he stays up all night, unable to sleep because of the darkness around him and the shouts in the space adjacent to his own room. He can't risk to step out of the room and ask them to stop. He had done that once but got a good deal of thrashing from his dad. All that he did was run towards his mother and pat affectionately on her bruises. He was shocked to find her lying on a pile of broken bits of china. Her mom had cautioned him to come near her, but it was too late. His dad had caught hold of his arm and savagely pulled him out of the place. He wanted to break away from his hold and it was then when he had got beaten. Steven is just a 6 year old kid, he knew whatever was happening in the house was not right, but there is nothing he can do. They were forever throwing assaults on each other. The beatings and screaming increased that night. And then there is silence. Steven fears this silence too. He gets the inkling that something sinister has happened when it's silent all of a sudden. 

"Had he beaten my mom to sleep, again?"

Steven doesn't know the difference between fainting and sleeping, he probably doesn't even know what fainting is! But he knows that beating too much and for a long duration causes you to fall asleep instantly.

He had seen it all happening in the house and perhaps the same thing has happened tonight too. But he has a very nasty feeling towards this sleep...it doesn't seem to make his mom happy when she wakes up. 

Their was the sound that seemed like a fire alarm. 

"Is that a fire truck outside the house?"

Now he had to get up from his bed! Fire trucks had always amused him since the first time he saw one in the streets, he had told his dad that when he grows up he will drive one too. His dad had smiled back and said "Sure thing my Stevey boy!" His dad used to affectionately and proudly call him his Stevey Boy. But that was long time back. Nowadays anyone hardly takes him out. His parents don't let him attend school too. The window to the left of his bed overlooked the street that ran in front of their house. He braced himself on a tool and peeped out. It wasn't red but white in color and of much smaller in size. People living in the neighborhood had all come out of their houses but no one entered their porch to see what the matter was. The red alarm does look really alarming! He saw his mother being carried out by two people dressed in white and put inside the van type vehicle. She was hardly recognizable, there was blood all over her face.

The incidents that took place after that night, was complex for any child of 6 to understand. Steven saw cops coming in and taking away his dad, the next morning. The house was flooded with relatives and neighbors. They all had a look of disapproval on their faces. He didn't care about that though. He wanted to see his mummy and meet his daddy. He had asked everyone but they either patted him on the cheek or gave him an affectionate hug with tears in their eyes. He was starting to feel sick, he wanted to be with his parents, but then again he was afraid that they might start fighting when they are together. Perhaps they might behave with so many people around. They never fought when there was people in the house. But no one seemed to helping him by at least taking him to his mom.

 Days passed and he was tired of waiting. The nights were no better for him, for it was dead silent. His aunt and grandmother were still inside the house and had tried to make him feel better, but they had their own problems. They worried about what would happen to Steven. His aunt was unmarried and she and her mother barely made a living out of all the tailoring projects she got. Having Steven in their family would not be feasible cause his school fees also had to be met, besides the cost of living. And education is important, her sister Steven's mom wanted her son to be educated and become a big man. The little that she could do was to put Steven under foster care who would take care of his education and then they shall severe all ties with him. Seeing him reminded her of her sister and makes her heart mourn. Perhaps, she thought it would be better if we don't have him around at all. Little Steven hoped that once his parents came back, things might change from how it was earlier...but now it seemed that none of them are going to come back.

That winter he was being taken away to live in a strange house with a middle aged couple who promised to look after him. Sharna and her husband Mike ran a local store and were without any children. Steven felt like running away the moment he entered the house. It was small and unkempt. There were no proper rooms, nor proper beds to sleep. His aunt had left him there and didn't even care to look back at him as she got into the taxi. His condition in the new house was not better than earlier, in fact it was worse. They never made an effort to make him feel comfortable in the new house. They were new and strange people who would occasionally hit him on the head whenever they saw him crying. He was admitted to a nearby school where low paid workers send their kids. It was miserable their too, the students would bully him, take away his food. Sharna had no time to listen to his complaints All the big talks of Mike in front of Steven's aunt, about funds and proper education were fake. They could barely make ends meet with the new addition in the family. Then why had asked for him?? Why was all the evil happening with him only?? Why won't his mummy come back?? Steven felt like escaping from that dismal house. And he did, on his way back from school.

After 2 days the body of a small child was found in the city dump yard, his clothes all blood stained and bite marks on his limbs. There was an empty school bag beside him but there was no proof that it belonged to him. Forensic study said that the boy was attacked by street canines and had possibly died due to his feeding on the waste debris in the dump. How the body managed to be there in the waste ground was still not known. Surprisingly no one had come up to claim his body.

With one gust of damp cold foul air, a little boy of 6, his family, dreams to be big, the childhood fantasies of driving red fire trucks, the longing for love from parents and dear ones, an innocent smile...everything was gone...

 

Nature, old friend

When I look out of the window,
I see lush green grass that can distract the busiest townie,
A valley of wonders and peaceful living,
Which has always made this lone old lady a little less lonely.


The velvet covered mountains are the most humble neighbor.
Their silence show their respect and majestic is their hospitality.
The mist at dawn reminds me of distant memories,
The sunset at dusk dispel all melancholy.


My mind sometimes drift away to the past,
Cause it holds no anchor to the present time.
But the lil linnet by my window sings and brings me back - 
Cause it knows that I am happy when I am back home.


My mornings are brighter than ever,
The noontime hits me with nostalgic rapture,
Twilight tells me stories of the secrets of distant lands
And night is when I reminiscent of the beautiful day my mind has captured.


I have reached an impossible age now,
Whereas being the only soul living inside this wooded abode.
But the kaleidoscopic beauty of the nature around me gives me strength,
To carry on my journey through this forever-sunlit brick road.

Wild Child

I am often reminded of the time,
When I knew not what would become of me,
When all that mattered was hunger for more,
When I didn't take into the existence of any responsibility.
I was quintessential of what was raw but not naive.
I rule over my quorum with all the gall and glamour.
The emotions that could drive the inner self wild
And the deception of an ill-fated lover.
I would be up against anything that proposed halting,
Rebel for all my selfish and wrong causes.
But i knew not, what I did was wrong or right,
The wild child in me was simply driven by teenage maladies.
But now that I am ripe with age -
Wise enough and have harnessed more knowledge than any.
I simply can't deny the adrenalin rush that flows,
When I am reminded of my fearful juvenile zest,
As being very young, back to when I was seventeen.

Together Forever

I was no damsel in distress,
But my knight in shining armor knew that I needed him.
His mesmerizing eyes wouldn't miss a single detail about me,
He knew that I had seen him too in my dreams.


We were lost souls in search of each other.
Tired and worn out by life's jest,
When we entered each other's lives none of us could keep back our thoughts,
We presumed that somehow we were connected and decided to put our feelings to test.


We discovered that it was not chance, nor luck that made us meet.
It felt as if the beautiful relationship had been there from time immemorial.
My knight had dispelled all the gloom with one slash of his sword
And my charm had made his life a fairy tale.


We knew not whether it was passion or strong emotions that made us pine for each other,
But he had pierced his sword in my heart and had left a fire burning.
He had the courage and valor to go against all odds
And yet his prowess was lost when I got him transfixed with my eyelash batting.


The bonding was young and beyond wildness,
We had weaved a story that no one in the land knew off.
Hand in hand we had started the most thrilling journey through this jungle of life
And this is how I wish to conclude this story of wild love...

The Clash

I totally hate this human-sized fruit-fly, who coos all day,

That how awesome is her lover on summer holidays.

I puke at the way she addresses everything as dear,

I would rather hit the pub to indulge in ice cold beer.

Hey I have got swagger, but no tolerance for a caked fool.

No matter how much pinkness she tries to spread out,

She will remain a big time tool!

The pink makeup and self praises make me sick in the gut,

I would rather go blind so as to dismiss your insolent strut!

How long can a girl live being totally brainless?

Why can't aliens come and abduct this airhead princess!

You go on posing for pics which you ask your minions to take,

You think that's cool? Then that's your biggest mistake!!!

My ears pain for all the bragging you do,

Your words of self praise can give a chicken bird flu!

I try not to think about your antics, cause I fear for my life.

But damn you bitch, you made it out as my brother's wife!!

A New Day

You came into my life
And made it bright,
Bright enough that I didn't need the sun at day,
Your aura was so intoxicating,
You left me breathless.
You cheerful sunny thing,
You always kept me happy.
Loving you was the best thing that I ever did,
Even though we are not together anymore.
You are no more in love with me now.
But It doesn't matter.
At one time you had given me all your love
And had taught me that I could love myself too.
I don't lament on the separation,
It taught me to be strong.
It freed me of all complexities,
I now feel I am complete.
I believe this new me is your creation.
You had made me feel special
And I believe I can now live my life without you.
Losing you was never a loss for me,
It has paved the way for a better tomorrow.
I have regained the strength to move on in life,
I have learnt the secret to remove all sorrow.

This was written on a special request by a very good friend. I dedicate this to her. :)

Disturbia

I shed silent tear drops,
For a reason unknown.
But day and night my heart mourns,
I feel so depressed, so alone.


Melancholiness casts its shadow on me.
Now it's even harder to pretend.
I have tried my best to forget it all,
But I fear it will chase me till the end.


It whispers words of terror to me,
Disturbia rules over my brain.
Anger and fear creeps under my skin.
Are they trying to drive me insane?


The reason for all this is still unclear!
I try to dismiss it all as a bad dream.
But this unexplained fear romps about me,
Making me cry maniacally and scream!

Tug of War

You and I are the same person, the same soul,
I console you with my warmth when you are out of control.
The disturbia that snatches away all your calmness,
I manipulate your fear with all the logic that I harness.


We help each other in our own way but we can never
Accept each other's existence and work together.
I am harsh, yet I abide by what is true,
I am soulful and I can never accept what is perceived by you.


My mind fights against whatever my heart desires,
My heart fails to accept what my mind inquires.
The tug of war between the mind and the heart has left me nowhere,
I am lost in a world which is full of depressed confusion and despair.


I am under the protege of a decision of which I am uncertain
I seek help, but I don't know to whom I should listen.
The mind says, it was never meant to be yours, so don't cry.
My heart whispers, keep your hopes up and give it another try.

Note To Self: A Hope Diary

"Hallo lil soul,
   Can you hear me?"


When life's not fair and you feel that you are alone, nobody understands you, have faith in yourself and god and cast away the rest. Keep your head held high, you are not to let others get you down. Believe in your dreams and know that you are always loved. It's the passion and glamour within you that drives you. You know that you are the queen of your world, the decider of your future, the guide of your own path to success.
Keep in your mind that you are not just any other girl, you are truly special. You are a free spirited boho, the urban gypsy, the bohemian artist, living the most awesome and adventurous life. You can take on anything with dignity. Look back at your own mistakes and learn from those. Don't regret or feel defeated. Move ahead with new zest and passion for life.

Go chase your whimsical dreams..
The road and the sky are yours..

You are the artist who will paint the picture of your own life. You shall refuse to be conventional. Cause you are free spirited, free to do whatever your heart wishes.

Lord help me, save my soul...I don't want to lose myself in the crowd. save me..


It's true that one may find it totally difficult to put up with nonsense. Hostile atmosphere is the key to lose sanity, peace of mind. Setting yourself free from this environment is hard, but not impossible to achieve. A disturbed mind is foe to all your achievements. Don't let others provoke you to lose your mind. Your goals should be clear, so also your mind. it's completely okay to be ignorant to chaos, especially while one is at work. You should move on with your life, let them stay back in the pandemonium. While moving on, pick up those who matter, who plays an important role in your cycle. Remaining? Cast them away..It would be wise of you to leave them behind. They won't help you reach your goal, but will hold you back from your achievement.

Fling...

I stood there for 8-10mins...I couldn't take my eyes off the person standing in the balcony of the apartment next to our next door neighbours' house. He seemed to be of my age only, but not of the same clan or I would say same religion. Muslim? Punjabi? Naah! His features were a cross between Jacob Black of The Twilight saga and an albino. I am seeing him for the first time and he totally got me out of my mind for a few minutes. I realized soon enough that it was very improper for a girl to be hiding behind the curtains of her room's window and gaping at your neighbor. I closed my shutters immediately...he seemed not to have noticed me and i didn't want to be noticed either. Anyway it was almost noon time and also the time for my bath, but I must admit...it was hard not to think about him! His face seemed so immaculate, composed as he stood there looking at the road below. I have got to know who this new stranger in the colony was. 


After the lunch, I came back to my room and reopened the shutters. This time there was a lady in the same balcony who seemed to be in her fifties. She too had the same features which her son possessed. However she seemed to have noticed me staring at her and immediately adjusted her glasses for a better look at the person who was stalking her. I pretended not to notice...her gaze was not friendly. The window where I was standing was just beside my bed and in front of was my study table. Usually I don't sit down at my table to do my lessons...but today I had too. Sitting on a chair and studying for hours gives me tremendous back ache. I prefer to do my work rolling on the bed, much to the disapproval of my parents. But my curiosity got the best of me today. I just have to see the boy again, maybe this time I would want him to notice me too.


1 Hour...2 hours....and so on...no one appeared in the balcony. Maybe sitting here had not been a good idea, anyway my lessons were in the doldrums due to this expectation-wise distraction. And the back ache was getting worse...I thought of taking a break (well not from studying since I have read nothing all afternoon) from this sudden sitting-in-the-table-chair-studying and decided to continue with my lessons in the usual way. I studied for the next 3 hours without any intention of getting distracted on my own, I had strictly told myself not to think about any stray person while you are studying. And I didn't do that, all the time i was catering to my brain the valuable facts of chemistry.


"It's been 2 and a half months already Megha, he didn't give any reply to my sms!!!"
"Did you call him? Or emailed him or anything?"
"I have tried every possible way of reaching him yaar, I don't think Arush is interested in our relationship anymore...it's breaking my heart Megs...we have been together for 3 years...he can't do this to me now!!!"
"You know Tushi? Boys can do that. This is probably the harshest truth that boys forget everything that girls do for them, with time. Had Arush been telling you that he wanted a breakup?"
"Well the last time we talked, or rather we were fighting...things did go messy and ugly. We both were looking for a solution and resorted to having a break, I mean sort of a time off the relationship."
"So what's the problem now? You missing him or what?"
"Yeah!! I can't live any longer without talking to him!! This has never happened earlier Megha! I am missing him like anything...But he just doesn't seem to care!"
"Boys are strange, there's no doubt about that. But you can't really say that Arush is seeing through...god that would be awful!"
"Say?!! I can't even imagine of that sort of thing happening! Arush has never been so insensitive before. I wonder what's wrong.."
"Hey, you don't worry okay? When he realizes, he will contact you right away. I am sure he loves you too...wait...i gotta go now, my bro's back from his tuition. See ya gal friend!"
"Bye Megs and thanks for for being patient with me all this while!"
"Ah, that's never a prob sweety! Bye now."
"Buh Bye." I put down the receiver and wiped the tear mark on my cheek. I looked sadly at the sms in my inbox. The last sms from Arush. Things have never been right between us Tushi. There are too many differences in our views. I fear that it might create a bigger prob in the future. We need to cut down on our daily calls and sms. Anyway it's high time we should start studying for the school annuals. This maybe my last sms for this session. M not promising to send you any further wire till i think things are right between us. Who is he to decide what's right and what's not??? I love him too...and what is he thinking?? Will breaking my heart even out all the differences he had been pointing at?


I got a whole lot of information about our neighbors the next day. Luckily, our cleaning lady lives just below the apartment of the new-boy-in-the-block and his even stranger mom. But extracting information out of this cunning belle required tactics. Our maid however must not be looked down upon under any circumstances. Their family was one of the richest in our colony, but ill fated as they were, nothing worked out well for them. Their father died, leaving behind Fullora, who was our maid and her three brothers, of which none of them had received formal education. They merely fantasized of faring well in life with their dad's money. However the father died early and his business went into the hands of his 4 uneducated fools. The business suffered tremendous loss and they had to give away all the riches including the house, which the promoters tore down and constructed one of those structures of cement, which actually can't be called a building, but can house 4 to 5 families in its vestibule. Fullora is our part time maid now and her brothers go about doing odd jobs to pay for their apartment which was on ground floor. 


"Fullora di, what was all that buzz in the building yesterday?? New tenants??"
"Yes didibhai, a new family has come up. But how do you know?"
"Well there was all this sound coming up from there in the aft while I was studying!! And i did see a lady in the balcony. She did scare me! That apartment has always been empty!"
"They are Christians. A mother, with her son and daughter. Her husband left today only for his job. He lives elsewhere."
"I see, the woman did look as if she was not from this place."
Fullora gave me a sharp look. "When did you notice all this?"
"Ah, that was when I was upstairs in the aft. I just got a glimpse." I replied casually. If I show too much of eagerness in front of her...she might spread out a gossip that I love stalking people when they are in their houses. These people can never let your hair go straight down. And spreading rumor was the only mode of entertainment they had. In any case, people of our locality hardly talked to their next door neighbors. So me, inquiring about one can raise many questions!


Days went by just like that....the Boy would come up to the balcony in the evening at times along with his phoney mom. I hated that lady's stares! Their was no kindness in the way she glared at me and I could see no point of introducing myself to her as the next to next door neighbor. Maybe she thought i might eat up her handsome child. The daughter hardly came out to the balcony, but I was least bothered in her. I longed to see that boy's face up close. His face resembled Arush's in many standards except for the hair and built.. This Boy had a muscular built bod and brown hair with natural caramel highlights on his head. The complexion was fair enough! Arush's hair was shabby black and he was thin built. But the face cut was so similer. Maybe I saw my Arush in him and that's why the Boy appeared to be so exotic to me. By this time he seemed to have noticed me too as i frequented the window seat for studying. He doesn't mind coming up shirtless at all! 




"Oh Megs, he is soooooo handsome! I could never imagine of having such  a hot neighbor! He is a christian..and i believe he has noticed me too."
"Calm down girl! You lucky thing! Such hunks doesn't seem to appear at all in my vicinity!"
"Shall i try to talk to him? I don't know what he thinks about me though. His mom doesn't think positively about me and i am sure of it."
"Ah shit, he is staying with his mom. But Tushi baby...one thing I felt like asking...what about Arush? Any news from your absentee boyfriend?"
"No Megha, not a single call or sms. His phone is switched off all the time. Hey hey! Know what? This Boy looks a lot like Arush.."
"Owww so here's the glitch!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I now know the reason why u are suddenly getting so inclined to this new Boy!!"
"Inclined??? Had i been acting like a freak lately? Do you think I am being too much on this Boy?"
"Well baby yes. I was surprised when you didn't mention anything about Arush today! It's a Boy who looks a lot like Arush and he is your neighbor at an arm's distance."
"So what now?"
"So you decide whether u wanna try for this boy or keep to yourself. You didn't have any formal break up with Arush."
"Hey hey...I have no intentions of trying for this new Boy, okay? I just want to talk and maybe be friends...that's all I have in my mind! Getting eloped with this Boy would mean cheating on Arush, when I would rather die instead of having a fling."
"It's your choice baby...Have it your way."
"I gotta go now...I am not feeling well after talking about my bf...I am getting that sad depressed feeling again."
"Take it easy girly, bye now and take care!"
"Bye"
Trying on that Boy?!! What was Megha thinking???


I am a big time idiot!!!! The biggest fool, even bigger than our maid and her brothers. My act of tremendous stupidity made me lose my BIG chance! This time he was sitting on a chair in the usual place and was staring directly at me...i was just in front of the window...half hidden behind the curtains, but my face could be seen. This went on for 20 mins. And after that I lost my cool. What was he observing so much? What's going on? I wanted to perform some action as if to show that I am not perturbed by his gaze, but my insanity got the best of me! Maybe I wasn't thinking at all the time when I did what I wasn't supposed to do! Here's to my utter brainlessness and here's what I did. I closed the shutters with a slam! And I could not help thinking what an idiot I had been!!! I mean closing off the shutters right at the face of the person who was looking at you, when u actually wanted him to notice you too!!! Now opening them again and peeping out would mean that I am being desperate, if he happens to be there still now and notice.
What happened in the evening was even depressing. I had been cursing myself all the time for my performance piece of utter brainlessness in the morning. At around 8.30pm i heard a humming sound coming from outside. Somebody was singing and the tune was wonderful! I peeped out and there was my Boy, humming away. He froze however when he saw me...I gathered up all my courage and finally asked him.
"Was it you who was humming? It was awesome!"
He ran inside the moment I finished saying the last sentence! I was so shocked...I mean i didn't know how to respond to this type of behavior! I felt like a complete idiot. Maybe asking him was not at all a good idea after all that had happened in the morn. And i believe i had just made it worse between us!




School final exams were only a month away and my mum forcibly made me sit and study downstairs in her room. It was her belief that I would concentrate more when she was around. I didn't get to see the Boy again for many more months. Occasionally I would go upstairs to my room and stand by the window..he never came nor did his looney mom. Their apartment seemed deserted and my sadness increased. 


The exam monster came like a storm and left nothing behind for me. However this doesn't include academics. I cleared my B.Tech entrance in a wiz and soared higher when the results were out. I got admission in one of the best Engineering colleges of India, but sadly it was away from my hometown, Kolkata. As for all the things that were not there in my life...well Arush broke up with me. He called up finally one day and said that he can't carry on with our relationship. The aftermath, I wish not to discuss cause it was just too painful, very painful. This was one of the reasons why I badly felt like leaving my hometown and studying elsewhere. 


I never got the chance of seeing that boy again even though he and his family had been staying in the same apartment, which I later got to know from our maid. This was such an unfinished story...I don't feel sad for it nowadays though...just disappointed at life's strange turn of events. We meet so many people in this world...people who live far far away from us and yet, as if through a loophole in the system, which we call life...we cross all borders to come into each other's lives. He was just a Boy next door about whom I wanted to know more...but there's no chance at all it seems. Here, for the first time in my life I am seeing a 0 possibility event...and the strangest thing - He just stays in a place which is a bit more than an arm's distance from my window!